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trishI encourage you to read this because I think my reactions to what happened are really interesting and I'm enjoying the process of thinking about it a lot, and if you're reading this because you're interested in gender, sexuality, kink, negotiation,and power play, you'll probably enjoy it too. But I talk in graphic detail about a specific sexual encounter that I recently had, and you may not want to read about that. If not, that's OK!
At Anthrocon, I ran into a dude I had interacted with a bit the previous year. We talked about video games and books for a while --- he made The Warded Man sound moderately interesting and I tried to convince him to read John Brandon --- and somehow the conversation turned into a walk and talk and then turned into looking out the convention center windows onto people walking around below and then turned into grabbing my breasts and pressing me against the window and scratching all over my neck and arms. People occasionally walked by behind us and in theory maybe it looked like we were just cuddling and looking out the window? Then we sat down and I was like "should I just be unsubtle and invite you back to my room?" and he was all "What are you talking about? I would never do such a thing, let's talk about collectible card games." But once it was clear I was interested, his hands were all over me, and I'd be trying to help him pick between a few different cards and suddenly he'd start rubbing my clit through my jeans, in semi-public, and oh my god this was so. fucking. HOT.
Looking back at this I'm like holy crap this dude whose last name I still don't know was fondling me in public without asking, how did this get to be OK? But to credit him, it was OK. And I think that with a couple of things I said, in particular "should I just be unsubtle," I made it clear that I would like to go to bed with him --- and with my response to sort of negotiating feelers in terms of the stuff he did in front of the window, first just pulling my hair a little bit --- I made it clear that I was not averse to public play. But we didn't negotiate the specifics --- we figured it out as we went along, and mostly he figured it out, because he was doing the heavy lifting. (I was breathing heavily and making one of the two pairs of jeans I had brough to the convention no longer wearable in public.) Having him do that felt really nice.
At some point he decided he was ready to drive things further, and started to, I think, negotiate the sort of things he liked to do based on describing what he had done in the last few months with his ex-girlfriend. [0] I'm not gonna go into detail about them yet because spoilers, but they were enjoyable stories, in particular to have told to you while you're being groped by a relative stranger in a public place, and confirmed what I already suspected based on last year, which was that this dude and I were Compatible, at least in terms of what we wanted out of a hookup encounter. He mentioned that he'd brought a couple of toys, and opened his bag up to show me one, and I told him about what I'd brought with me, and then he asked me "What sort of things would you like me to do when I take you back to your room?"
This is a really great/pressuring way to phrase the question. It's great because it does leave the option for me to say "I would not like you to take me back to my room just yet" --- it's pressuring because it takes some willpower to provide that answer. It's also great because 90% of the time I am the subbiest little sub kitten who ever said mew and it encouraged me to talk about what I wanted out of the interaction without dropping the power dynamic --- I was expressing my desires, but expressing them in the role of the slutty little kitten who couldn't help herself, you know? And this was a negotiation, too, handled as suavely as any of the negotiation classes I've taken would suggest [1], never dropping dirty talk while establishing "I should be restrained, probably with vet wrap, I really like the feeling of constricted breathing but you shouldn't actually limit the amount of air I get, spankings are delicious," and he established "I want to mangle your breasts with my hands and put this dog dildo in your ass." The language for this included things like "You would look great with your arms all wrapped up and your ass red from my hands and the base of the dildo sticking out, don't you think?" See? HAWT. And we pretty quickly established that the scene outline we had was way past both of our BATNAs, so we walked to the hotel, arm in arm, talking about books again except when he pulled my hair enough that I had to heel. <3
We got into my hotel room --- the bedroom part closed off, but there was a roommate, but he wasn't supposed to be back for four hours. We made eye contact, and I said what I'd been rehearsing in my head the whole walk there, since I knew it was important to say this stuff sometime: "Red, yellow, green for safewords, careful of this patch where I broke ribs and they didn't heal right, no expectation that any of these will happen but protection for oral anal or vaginal if we go there, it's in this bag." He gave an approving nod, and said "I boil all my toys but I like to put condoms on them anyway just in case," and I said great and nodded, and then we both waited five seconds, and then he slapped me and called me a filthy slut and wrapped my arms in vet wrap and choke chained me to a door and slapped my breasts until they were solid red and pulled my hair and slammed his hand over my mouth and held my nose shut (but actually I could breathe fine if I thought about it because he left one of his fingers up a half inch it just felt like I couldn't breathe even though I was breathing) and then threw me to the floor and spanked me and then dragged me onto the bed and spanked me more and made me call him sir and oh so much hair pulling and yes. This was pretty basic classic beating and degradation but ohhhhhhhhhh how I needed that. Ohhhhhh yes.
Then he went to put the plastic dog dick in my ass without all that much preparation. Now, it's not like I've never had anything in my ass before --- but lately, like the last five years lately, I've been dating mostly people not particularly interested in penetrating me with large cylindrical objects at all, and more interested in my cunt than my asshole. So the first half or so of the dildo went in without tooooo much trouble although it was a bit tricky. But the knot, [2] oh, ow, jesus, ow. It was intensely painful, and the dude was telling me to calm down, take deep breaths, it would be OK, and I was about to say yellow but well uh I kind of like pain and it was right on the borderline and I said "OK, I am going to hold onto the word yellow, and keep it on the tip of my tongue, but then listen to his voice, and hear him telling me to calm down, and know that he's here and he's holding me by the scruff of the neck and he'll take it out if I say yellow and it will be OK. It will be OK. It will be OK." And after a couple of minutes, it was. It was still painful, but it was no longer I am going to die, it is "this dick in my ass hurts, like it should."
Here's where I was really impressed --- he simultaneously made me do a thing that was intense in itself physically and suggested a narrative that projected forward into time and elicited a different set of feelings. He made me stand up, get dressed again (he hadn't so much taken off his shoes, and never did [3]), and had me walk forward and backward across the room three times. This had an immediate physical sensation, and the first thing he said was "It feels like a dog is fucking you up the ass, doesn't it?" Then, while repeating this theme (and I imagine this as the building of a piece of music), he said "I trained my last girl to do this through the supermarket." You can probably imagine my imagination going wild with that. I'm sure I turned bright red. I almost fell down on the third trip back and forth.
So then the dude says "I'll take it out when you beat me twice in a row at Race for the Galaxy." And we set up to play the game and it turns out sitting down hurts more than walking slowly, so it's a little vicious, and we start playing, and he's tormenting me and I'm liking it and then the roommate unexpectly shows up and walks in without knocking. Wolf dude and I basically in unison say "We're just playing a card game!" despite the fact that there's a bag of cuffs and some rope on the bed. And roommate, who I think actually didn't realize what was going on at this point, wants to learn how to play the card game, and so I'm kneeling on the floor, scratch marks over my arms, dog dildo in my ass under my jeans, trying to explain how to play this game to this relative stranger while thinking "I CAN'T LET HIM KNOW." I was a really hot terrified.
A part of me is like "This is pretty problematic, this was borderline nonconsensually involving someone else in my sexual activity." And if I had done this on purpose, I would actually think this were true. But he came home earlier than he said he was going to and didn't knock --- arguably everyone involved is lucky that he didn't get there thirty minutes earlier. Fortunately the game didn't hold his attention and he wandered off, and I finished the first game 64-31. The second game I got my least favorite start world but drew into Alien Toy Shop. Around halfway through I was in a lot of pain and he asked if I needed to tap out and I said that I would probably tap out after this game either way but I wanted to try to win it fair and square. This game was largely not hot in a sexual way but was hot in a physical/mental combined challenge kind of way, and I still won 34-19. Then he took the dildo out. It was such a relief for around two minutes and then --- depending on your interpretation, because I had been stretched out or because I am a needy wanton furry slut [4] --- I really, really wanted something back in my ass. So he announced that he was going to keep fucking me with the dog dick until I came just from getting fucked up the ass, because that's what sluts like me do, they come when someone fucks them up the ass and grabs them from behind and chokes them and orders them to. And, to my surprise, that's exactly what I did! And damn did I make a mess. ^^;; I didn't even know that worked! (I have partners who can make me come on command, sometimes maybe, under certain circumstances. E's done it and P did it by accident once and has sort-of replicated it since. I did not expect it from a stranger or without something to grind against.)
After that he cleaned up and I laughed and glowed a lot and he was very pleased and dropped back into a mode of interaction that was a little more equal and we chatted a bit and he left. He was a bit possessive cuddly during the rest of the con when we ran into each other but while I think we were both like "I'd do that again if there's time" it wasn't a high priority for either of us; I did non-sex things and he banged other people. (Warning: Get your protective goggles on for this one.) At one point I saw him with some other girl all over him and first I was really jealous and then I thought "Oh I'm not good enough for him to fuck again," and I nearly came in my pants just from thinking that. WHAT THE HELL, BRAIN. HAS FEMINISM DONE NOTHING FOR YOU.
...and now I want to experiment more with, I don't know, things? I need to figure out some things I want to try and how I want to try them, whether it's "Hi partner, let's do X!" or "Hi stranger, Q?" or "Hey, uh, we sorta hooked up at that party that one time, and uh I know you like to Z with people and um er maybe you'd like to Z with me I would bake you cookies?" or just "I WILL READ PORN ABOUT W." I need to think more about what this makes me want to try next. It has nothing really to do with this dude (though I'd totally do this again next year if we both were up for it) and a lot to do with giving myself space to map the space of potential desire and see which things are appealing. ... and a little bit to do with being a slutty little kitten who just can't help herself when someone grabs her by the cunt and calls her names. ^^;;
But only in the right context. ;)
[0] After basically radio silence he had messaged me a month before the con to say basically "Hey you going? I'll be bringing my girlfriend." I couldn't tell if that meant "Sorry, not gonna mack on you this time" or "Threesome?" Turns out not to have mattered. I was kinda hoping for threesome.
[1] Yes, I've taken negotiation classes in business school. It's useful in a lot of contexts. =^.^=
[2] Dog penises have tapered heads, a thick part in the middle, they get thin again, and then there's a fucking baseball. I exaggerate only slightly. The larger of the two canine dildoes I have has a knot more than two inches in diameter. (And watching it disappear into a lover's cunt is oh my god.) This one was smaller than the smaller of my two and I am so glad. It was still huge.
[3] I actually wonder from all the stories he's told and the interactions I've had with him if he's, like, stone or something? Which is totally cool by me, although one of these days I am going to suck someone's cock again, I swear. I'm probably only six months to a year from taking volunteers.
[4] Which, for the record, he made me say. <3
At Anthrocon, I ran into a dude I had interacted with a bit the previous year. We talked about video games and books for a while --- he made The Warded Man sound moderately interesting and I tried to convince him to read John Brandon --- and somehow the conversation turned into a walk and talk and then turned into looking out the convention center windows onto people walking around below and then turned into grabbing my breasts and pressing me against the window and scratching all over my neck and arms. People occasionally walked by behind us and in theory maybe it looked like we were just cuddling and looking out the window? Then we sat down and I was like "should I just be unsubtle and invite you back to my room?" and he was all "What are you talking about? I would never do such a thing, let's talk about collectible card games." But once it was clear I was interested, his hands were all over me, and I'd be trying to help him pick between a few different cards and suddenly he'd start rubbing my clit through my jeans, in semi-public, and oh my god this was so. fucking. HOT.
Looking back at this I'm like holy crap this dude whose last name I still don't know was fondling me in public without asking, how did this get to be OK? But to credit him, it was OK. And I think that with a couple of things I said, in particular "should I just be unsubtle," I made it clear that I would like to go to bed with him --- and with my response to sort of negotiating feelers in terms of the stuff he did in front of the window, first just pulling my hair a little bit --- I made it clear that I was not averse to public play. But we didn't negotiate the specifics --- we figured it out as we went along, and mostly he figured it out, because he was doing the heavy lifting. (I was breathing heavily and making one of the two pairs of jeans I had brough to the convention no longer wearable in public.) Having him do that felt really nice.
At some point he decided he was ready to drive things further, and started to, I think, negotiate the sort of things he liked to do based on describing what he had done in the last few months with his ex-girlfriend. [0] I'm not gonna go into detail about them yet because spoilers, but they were enjoyable stories, in particular to have told to you while you're being groped by a relative stranger in a public place, and confirmed what I already suspected based on last year, which was that this dude and I were Compatible, at least in terms of what we wanted out of a hookup encounter. He mentioned that he'd brought a couple of toys, and opened his bag up to show me one, and I told him about what I'd brought with me, and then he asked me "What sort of things would you like me to do when I take you back to your room?"
This is a really great/pressuring way to phrase the question. It's great because it does leave the option for me to say "I would not like you to take me back to my room just yet" --- it's pressuring because it takes some willpower to provide that answer. It's also great because 90% of the time I am the subbiest little sub kitten who ever said mew and it encouraged me to talk about what I wanted out of the interaction without dropping the power dynamic --- I was expressing my desires, but expressing them in the role of the slutty little kitten who couldn't help herself, you know? And this was a negotiation, too, handled as suavely as any of the negotiation classes I've taken would suggest [1], never dropping dirty talk while establishing "I should be restrained, probably with vet wrap, I really like the feeling of constricted breathing but you shouldn't actually limit the amount of air I get, spankings are delicious," and he established "I want to mangle your breasts with my hands and put this dog dildo in your ass." The language for this included things like "You would look great with your arms all wrapped up and your ass red from my hands and the base of the dildo sticking out, don't you think?" See? HAWT. And we pretty quickly established that the scene outline we had was way past both of our BATNAs, so we walked to the hotel, arm in arm, talking about books again except when he pulled my hair enough that I had to heel. <3
We got into my hotel room --- the bedroom part closed off, but there was a roommate, but he wasn't supposed to be back for four hours. We made eye contact, and I said what I'd been rehearsing in my head the whole walk there, since I knew it was important to say this stuff sometime: "Red, yellow, green for safewords, careful of this patch where I broke ribs and they didn't heal right, no expectation that any of these will happen but protection for oral anal or vaginal if we go there, it's in this bag." He gave an approving nod, and said "I boil all my toys but I like to put condoms on them anyway just in case," and I said great and nodded, and then we both waited five seconds, and then he slapped me and called me a filthy slut and wrapped my arms in vet wrap and choke chained me to a door and slapped my breasts until they were solid red and pulled my hair and slammed his hand over my mouth and held my nose shut (but actually I could breathe fine if I thought about it because he left one of his fingers up a half inch it just felt like I couldn't breathe even though I was breathing) and then threw me to the floor and spanked me and then dragged me onto the bed and spanked me more and made me call him sir and oh so much hair pulling and yes. This was pretty basic classic beating and degradation but ohhhhhhhhhh how I needed that. Ohhhhhh yes.
Then he went to put the plastic dog dick in my ass without all that much preparation. Now, it's not like I've never had anything in my ass before --- but lately, like the last five years lately, I've been dating mostly people not particularly interested in penetrating me with large cylindrical objects at all, and more interested in my cunt than my asshole. So the first half or so of the dildo went in without tooooo much trouble although it was a bit tricky. But the knot, [2] oh, ow, jesus, ow. It was intensely painful, and the dude was telling me to calm down, take deep breaths, it would be OK, and I was about to say yellow but well uh I kind of like pain and it was right on the borderline and I said "OK, I am going to hold onto the word yellow, and keep it on the tip of my tongue, but then listen to his voice, and hear him telling me to calm down, and know that he's here and he's holding me by the scruff of the neck and he'll take it out if I say yellow and it will be OK. It will be OK. It will be OK." And after a couple of minutes, it was. It was still painful, but it was no longer I am going to die, it is "this dick in my ass hurts, like it should."
Here's where I was really impressed --- he simultaneously made me do a thing that was intense in itself physically and suggested a narrative that projected forward into time and elicited a different set of feelings. He made me stand up, get dressed again (he hadn't so much taken off his shoes, and never did [3]), and had me walk forward and backward across the room three times. This had an immediate physical sensation, and the first thing he said was "It feels like a dog is fucking you up the ass, doesn't it?" Then, while repeating this theme (and I imagine this as the building of a piece of music), he said "I trained my last girl to do this through the supermarket." You can probably imagine my imagination going wild with that. I'm sure I turned bright red. I almost fell down on the third trip back and forth.
So then the dude says "I'll take it out when you beat me twice in a row at Race for the Galaxy." And we set up to play the game and it turns out sitting down hurts more than walking slowly, so it's a little vicious, and we start playing, and he's tormenting me and I'm liking it and then the roommate unexpectly shows up and walks in without knocking. Wolf dude and I basically in unison say "We're just playing a card game!" despite the fact that there's a bag of cuffs and some rope on the bed. And roommate, who I think actually didn't realize what was going on at this point, wants to learn how to play the card game, and so I'm kneeling on the floor, scratch marks over my arms, dog dildo in my ass under my jeans, trying to explain how to play this game to this relative stranger while thinking "I CAN'T LET HIM KNOW." I was a really hot terrified.
A part of me is like "This is pretty problematic, this was borderline nonconsensually involving someone else in my sexual activity." And if I had done this on purpose, I would actually think this were true. But he came home earlier than he said he was going to and didn't knock --- arguably everyone involved is lucky that he didn't get there thirty minutes earlier. Fortunately the game didn't hold his attention and he wandered off, and I finished the first game 64-31. The second game I got my least favorite start world but drew into Alien Toy Shop. Around halfway through I was in a lot of pain and he asked if I needed to tap out and I said that I would probably tap out after this game either way but I wanted to try to win it fair and square. This game was largely not hot in a sexual way but was hot in a physical/mental combined challenge kind of way, and I still won 34-19. Then he took the dildo out. It was such a relief for around two minutes and then --- depending on your interpretation, because I had been stretched out or because I am a needy wanton furry slut [4] --- I really, really wanted something back in my ass. So he announced that he was going to keep fucking me with the dog dick until I came just from getting fucked up the ass, because that's what sluts like me do, they come when someone fucks them up the ass and grabs them from behind and chokes them and orders them to. And, to my surprise, that's exactly what I did! And damn did I make a mess. ^^;; I didn't even know that worked! (I have partners who can make me come on command, sometimes maybe, under certain circumstances. E's done it and P did it by accident once and has sort-of replicated it since. I did not expect it from a stranger or without something to grind against.)
After that he cleaned up and I laughed and glowed a lot and he was very pleased and dropped back into a mode of interaction that was a little more equal and we chatted a bit and he left. He was a bit possessive cuddly during the rest of the con when we ran into each other but while I think we were both like "I'd do that again if there's time" it wasn't a high priority for either of us; I did non-sex things and he banged other people. (Warning: Get your protective goggles on for this one.) At one point I saw him with some other girl all over him and first I was really jealous and then I thought "Oh I'm not good enough for him to fuck again," and I nearly came in my pants just from thinking that. WHAT THE HELL, BRAIN. HAS FEMINISM DONE NOTHING FOR YOU.
...and now I want to experiment more with, I don't know, things? I need to figure out some things I want to try and how I want to try them, whether it's "Hi partner, let's do X!" or "Hi stranger, Q?" or "Hey, uh, we sorta hooked up at that party that one time, and uh I know you like to Z with people and um er maybe you'd like to Z with me I would bake you cookies?" or just "I WILL READ PORN ABOUT W." I need to think more about what this makes me want to try next. It has nothing really to do with this dude (though I'd totally do this again next year if we both were up for it) and a lot to do with giving myself space to map the space of potential desire and see which things are appealing. ... and a little bit to do with being a slutty little kitten who just can't help herself when someone grabs her by the cunt and calls her names. ^^;;
But only in the right context. ;)
[0] After basically radio silence he had messaged me a month before the con to say basically "Hey you going? I'll be bringing my girlfriend." I couldn't tell if that meant "Sorry, not gonna mack on you this time" or "Threesome?" Turns out not to have mattered. I was kinda hoping for threesome.
[1] Yes, I've taken negotiation classes in business school. It's useful in a lot of contexts. =^.^=
[2] Dog penises have tapered heads, a thick part in the middle, they get thin again, and then there's a fucking baseball. I exaggerate only slightly. The larger of the two canine dildoes I have has a knot more than two inches in diameter. (And watching it disappear into a lover's cunt is oh my god.) This one was smaller than the smaller of my two and I am so glad. It was still huge.
[3] I actually wonder from all the stories he's told and the interactions I've had with him if he's, like, stone or something? Which is totally cool by me, although one of these days I am going to suck someone's cock again, I swear. I'm probably only six months to a year from taking volunteers.
[4] Which, for the record, he made me say. <3
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 02:13 am (UTC)Also I miiiiiiight be persuaded to be involved in [3] when we pass through your neck of the woods. Although I think the likelyhood of you jumping on Rik instead in that event is pretty much a surety.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 03:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 04:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 10:21 am (UTC)